guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
