My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
