haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Randomize
