maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
