Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
