Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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