I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
