Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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