I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm really busy with my period
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