if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
