seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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