He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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