i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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