Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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