You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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