Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
