Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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