Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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