So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
