Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
