Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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