Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
