Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
