A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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