and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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