i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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