Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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