Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
