Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
