I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
