YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize