I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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