I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
