I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Boobs speak an international language.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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