I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
