so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
