I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
