im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
