so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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