I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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