Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
