The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
