She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
