wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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