Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize