you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
