Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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