I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
