I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
