I want to have your abortion
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
