My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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