Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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