What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm too high and old for this...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
