Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They took my balls.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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