I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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