walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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