So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
What a dumb baby whore.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
