if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
